Some people (scratch that, literally everyone) says that if something is out of sight, then it is also out of mind.  Like my college work.  If I don't see it on my desk, then I magically don't have homework that night.  Huh.  Who cares that it's hidden in my bookbag under my bed, because I'm certainly not thinking about it.

I know this probably seems random, but I recently saw the same thing applied to relationships, particularly long distance ones.  If you don't see your significant other for an extended period of time, then you tend to think about them less.

But I just think it's amazing that my boyfriend lives three hours away (from my hometown, anyway, roughly an hour and a half from here), and even though I rarely get to see him, he is always in my mind.  Always.  And distance doesn't change that.

College!

So, it's been a considerable time since I've last updated this (even though I sign in every day to check everyone else's updates).  Time to talk about everything that has happened!

My roommate Maria is awesome.  We're alike and different in so many ways that we mesh pretty well.  Maybe I don't like it when her boyfriend stays over all the time, but he's pretty entertaining, so I can live with that.

I'm no longer a music major!  I can give you a big list of people that wouldn't be surprised, and those same people are the ones that I don't remotely give a shit about!  I've been debating it all summer and then I dropped all of my classes on the first day.  I guess I was so tired of hearing "you have to" instead of thinking "I want to".  It was better for me to get out now, before my concept of music is destroyed any longer.  All of the people that I looked up to for music have betrayed me and so what happened?  They corrupted my music innocence and I can't enjoy it anymore.  Right now I'm undecided.  Just sitting here waiting for some inspiration to come.

My dorm is awesome.  It's so true.  Everyone loves each other, the teachers are open minded and honest.  The only thing is that I'm not social anymore and it's so awkward for me to walk up to people and talk to them.

My classes are relatively awesome.  The one thing I like about my psychology class is that I get to be experimented on!  It sounds weird, but I was really excited for it.

The one downside to everything is that I'm still so apathetic.  I hate it.  I want to break out of it so badly.  I think I'm getting better though.

Also, I love my boyfriend very much, and I couldn't imagine a life without him.  :D

Worlds Work Wonders

So I've been thinking a lot about the concept of family.  My faith in a working family has been crumpled up, kicked, bashed, burned, and otherwise destroyed.  When I was an infant, my mom and my dad worked opposing shifts, meaning that they never saw each other.  During the time that there was no one to take care of me (from work overlap), I stayed with my grandparents.  Then he was never around, mom threatened to divorce him, and he threatened to take me away and she would never see me again.  So no divorce and he essentially ran away.  Got a different job in a different city.  I was taken over to visit my family on his side every once in a while and I remember playing with my cousins and such.  Well, then he got drunk, flipped his car and died.  After that, mom and I moved in with my grandparents (I was three) and it set us on a path to where we would never speak to my dad's side of the family ever again. 

So there's half my family.  Just gone.  Imagine the life you have now.  And then your dad and his entire family walks out of your life.  All you have is half a family.  Now you roughly have what I've had essentially my entire life.  So mom worked third shift and I went to school and such and we stayed at my grandparents house until I was 6.  Then we bought our own house and lived beside my grandparents (actually, on their property.  There was no escape.  They could see whatever we were doing outside).  Also, mom's a chain smoker (or she was, I guess she's not so bad now, but I stay away from her as much as possible), and being a single (sometimes) mother with one child, it gets rough.  Sometimes it got abusive.  Mom also dating random (and very sketchy) men and there were definitely a lot of awkward scenarios.  Also, myself being placed in positions where I shouldn't have been placed (in a room filled with cigarette smoke and very drunk and loud adults, various things). 

Then she got married again.  Which severed the ties between us and my dad's family even more (waytogo, mom.  Blaming this one on you).  He turned out to be a drunken douchebag (literally.  Like he had the little thing you blow into set in his car.  And if his BAC was a certain limit his car wouldn't start.  So sometimes he would either drive mom's new car [she gave him her old one] or he would take me with him and get me to trick the system for him.  Of course I didn't know any better).  He ended up destroying the car on the inside and she filed for divorce.  Then she dated several other sketchy fellows (also was crazy in something with this one guy who comes and works on things at the house for us (and my grandparents).  He's married though.  Awkward.  Nothing happened to my knowledge though). 

Next, here comes significant other #3 (just going to call them SO ## from now on.  Much simpler), and here's how I met this classy (lies) fellow.  I came home and was about to get on the desktop (before the mac) and I look over and there's a man wearing only boxers asleep on the cough.  So I'm kind of panicking at the moment so I asked him if I could get online (which was stupid, because it's my goddamn house, goddamn it and I can do what I want and no almost-naked man is going to tell me otherwise).  He thought I was my mother, I swear, because he said "of course you can, sweetie."  Awkward zone has been reached.  I later find out that this is mom's new boyfriend and oh joy he's moving in with us soon.  So he moves in.  He was a pain.  So was his useless son (SO #2 had a son, much less annoying though, but weird looking), who stayed with us for like a month.  His friends were drunk all the time.  And at our house.  And then they were drunk out our house.  Lovely.  He also bought me a guitar.  Which his drunk friend almost broke (life lesson, stay the fuck away from my instruments, goddamn it).  They were also engaged.  Kinda.  Not really.  Mom was too emotionally scarred from the previous failed relationships that she was forced into a corner and didn't really want to get married.  I kinda felt bad for her.  And then he started yelling at her a lot.  I felt bad for her again.  And then I realized she was kind of a bitch.  I stopped feeling bad.  So finally she decides after his numerous bad decision making that he was getting kicked out.  Note, they were never married.  We actually still have some of his stuff at the house, actually.  Also, as soon as he moved out, he moved in with another chick.  Almost immediately.  Awesome.

So now we have reached the point in time where mom has met a delightful (sometimes) young (16 or so years older than her) man (still old) who has become SO #4 (AND we have reached the present in my delightful storyline, about damn time).  He has a daughter, who is very nice and kind (and riiiich) and she lives in New York.  Also, she is twice my age.  So much for having a sister.  He's also old enough to be my grandfather.  Awkward.  But he's respectable, silly, and independent, and he bought (more like his daughter bought) mom a big rock, which she was very happy about.  They are married now, but they don't live together.  Mom still lives here in Mocksville and he lives in Greensboro.  She visits him on the weekends.  So, maybe this will be the last time I have to pull out the number system to figure out what the fuck is going on as far as father figures (HA) go?

Any, what this was supposed to explain is to why I don't have strong faith in family.  Mine has always been broken, changing, and people are constantly being replaced.  I don't really know how I'm supposed to see people.  So I really pick my own family out of friends and such.  I don't handle well with people that act like my mother.  Guess what people, I've (unfortunately) had a consistent mother figure for all 18 years of my life.  I really, really, don't need another one.  I promise.  Go send your protective estrogen force-shield elsewhere.  So I tend to find stronger friends in guys, just because I seem to fit in with them a lot better.  Ehh.  That part was kind of a tangent.  Anyway.

So today things changed.  Back in the day, way before I was conceived (six years), my father was married to another woman.  They had a son and later got divorced (I'm a little blurry on the details).  Then he married my mom.  And I was conceived and thrusted out of my mother's vagina!  Anyway.  So I probably met his son (my half-brother) maybe once.  I consciously remember him being there once.  And then I had a picture.  Which is lost somewhere, actually.  So, never spoke to him again, because apparently his mom was kind of a bitch and wouldn't let him have contact with anyone on my dad's side of the family.  So I forgot about him.  He stopped existing to me.  He wasn't there.  My dad's family isn't there.  My dad sure has hell isn't here.  There's no family there anymore.  Read in the paper once (quite a few years back) that he went into the military.  Even less of a chance to ever communicate again.  There was no way to find him.

And so while I was online, I go to facebook and I have a message from a 24 year old enlisted man named Nick Clark who was asking if I had a half-brother..

If I wanted someone to play my mother and slap my wrist every time I did something wrong and tell me how disappointed they were in me, then I would have told my mother.  I don't get a speech from the people who have known me from the beginning, the people who have known me for years and have seen me change, the people who have supported me through everything.  I get a speech from a person who has known me for less than a year, who tells me that I'm not the same person they first met and how much of a letdown I am, the person who doesn't like all of my other friends that have been there.  I don't need an explanation for this post.

The moral of this story is that I have come to the startling *cough* realization that you don't give a shit about me.  You never have, and I can promise you that you never will.  I'd spend all my money, all of my time, I'd give you everything I had, everything to you.  And you dare ask one more thing of me, as if it was the only thing you had asked for.  Maybe you never asked for much.  Maybe I just kept giving and giving and all you did was take.  I can't really imagine a time where you performed a selfless action that ever in anyway benefited me.  Yet I'd risk my future on making you happy, and all you did was use me.  That's apparently all I'm good for, by the way.  Getting used by other people.  You're not the first, and I had previously thought you wouldn't be the last, but now thanks to you, thanks to fucking you, I'm probably going to withdraw again.  I honestly wish I could do unto you the same pain and misery that I've gone through, but I know that nothing I can do will make you feel the same since you don't give a shit.

Unfortunately, you don't know this exists.  And you want me to not hate you.  I know I don't, but it's much easier to say that I hate you than anything else. 

I've typed so much into this box, but I always tend to close the window before it's posted.  It makes me feel better.

I have-

-come to the conclusion that you, sir, are a dick.  This opinion may be completely irrational, but here is my logic (logic that I came up with now after I had already formulated my opinion):

You don't do shit for me when I do countless things for you.
You probably aren't telling me shit I really need to know, because if I did know, you wouldn't be acting the way you are.
And, relating back to the previous, you can't be happy for me. 

And I try to be a good friend, but when I try to talk to you now, you're ignoring me.  So, way to be a dick and way to be not a good friend.  It's not that hard to fucking care about your friends.  Meh.

Anyway, that aside, (although slightly related to the next subject, maybe, assuming that the previous argument was based on facts), I will be going up to Pennsylvania in July with Rebecca Hoffman :D  I am very excited!  You have no idea!  But we would be going up there (unless we change our minds again) the night of the third (so we can be there for the fourth) and then follow her sister and Marisa home on the tenth.  Here's a list of things I am specifically excited for:

Meeting the ginger's friends/family.
Shenaniganing around the town
It's an adventure!
Getting to meet Ryan :D

Probably the most excited for the latter...just saying.

Also, I'm graduating soon.  More excitement :D